Spaceman

I was lying in bed late one night. I had just gotten back from grabbing bottled water from down stairs. I had a screaming headache and I just wanted to get to sleep. A light beamed into my window. All I could think about was the damn neighbor putting on his outside lights on. I rolled over to find myself a new comfortable position. The light continued to beam into my room. Angrily, I threw my pillow in the direction of my window. But I didn't hear it hit anything. In fact, I couldn't hear anything. I rolled over and opened my eye. My room was lit up, but yet I couldn't see anything. Suddenly, the room went black and I could hear the noises of my house again. I didn't think much of it, so I slammed my head back on the pillow and went back to attempt sleep.

I began to slowly fall back to sleep. But everything felt funny. A bit of weightlessness. I tried rolling over to find a new comfortable position, but I couldn't. In fact it was very had to. I opened my eyes again and noticed I wasn't in my bed. In fact, I wasn't in my room. I was slowly floating up into a spaceship that was hovering over my house. Now, you must be thinking how full of shit I am, Doc, but I swear they took me up to that spaceship. Yes, they did. I was kidnapped by aliens. Not the border hoppers, I'm talking extra terrestrials.

After I arrived in the ship, they had me in this room. Now, they weren't doing any probing or anything. In fact they were just watching me. I wish I could tell you what they looked like but, it's very hard to describe something that is much more complex than you and I are. I'll tell you this though, they didn't have any crazy tentacles, or multiple limbs or eyes, and they weren't slimy creatures either. They were existing entities. They told me to follow them to another room, but they didn't say it, it was almost telepathic, but I didn't hear anyone inside my head. It was all instinctively done.

I entered another room, which was just pure white. The purist of white you can imagine. I cannot say how big the room was because it felt like it had no dimensions. There was a girl, sitting in the room. I walked over to her. She looked up at me with these dark blue eyes that just hypnotize you. She said hello. I said hello back. She asked me my name. I told her my name was Norm and then she smiled at me. She stood up and said how it was nice to meet me.

Now, Doc, I'm pretty damn certain she was an angel. She was just that mesmerizing. She had these golden lock steaming from her head down to her shoulder. The fairest of skins; smooth, no wrinkles, no scares, no marks. Nothing. Simply: Perfect.

She began to walk around me, examining me. Now, I certainly wasn't in my Sunday best. I hadn't shaved in a week and I was my boxers and a t-shirt. But I had to know. "What's your name?" I asked

"Cora." she answered.

"Cora? I like it. Where you from? Detroit? Maybe Cleveland?"

"I don't come from Earth. In fact, I don't live in this galaxy at all. I live far away."

"Would you consider the move to this part of the universe? I mean, I don't know about the bordering community, but, I mean, it seems like a decent area. Prime real estate? To be honest, I couldn't fathom comparing this galaxy with another." She stared at me blankly. These pickup lines don't usually work and they were not too successful for this "out of this world" kinda girl... Yes, Doc, it was a pun...

She began to walk away from. I decided to follow seeing how I found myself in this unknown place. I found myself overlooking the universe. The vast complexity of everything overwhelmed me but yet stimulated and heightened my sight. The speed in which things happen are beyond what word can ever describe. But, yet, at the same time, the ability to slow it all down and witness the unexplainable, profound miracles that one simply just cannot witness. It's not that we're too blind to see it, but it's just that everything happens so fast that we can't digest it or even realize it ever happened. And if we were to, it would be long forgotten to us...

"Why am I here, Cora?" I asked.

"Why do you think you are here?"

"Well, I'll tell ya, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have to save a planet..." The blank stares were killing me... Apparently, the rest of the universe is more civil than you think. There are no Darth Vader’s or evil Klingons. I was kind of happy.

She told me, that there was much for us to learn. To them, we are the new neighbors that just moved in. They want to make sure that we keep the house looking nice so we don't make the neighborhood look run down. Doc, the way things are going, we are those neighbors that are just making things look shitty. We're driving the property values down and the outlying universes are none too pleased.

In all honestly, I fell in love with her or whatever she was. I wait outside, late some nights, hoping she’d come back, but she never shows. We probably won’t meet again. It’s too bad, we might hit it off. I wonder if she’s into hiking… Anyways, Doc, I don’t want to bore you with my hopeless romanticism with a bodacious alien woman. I’ll leave you with that. Next week, I tell you how I help a group of mutineers fight off an evil galactic empire in a galaxy far, far away… I’m just kidding. Things like that don’t happen…

Shit That Pisses Me Off: REBOOT

Last spring, I came up with a delectable list of things in life that piss me off. But, I left that strictly to the Facebook viewers. So, like Hollywood, I am going to reboot one of my greatest literary works of art. I feel this way because, it was so good the first time, I have to absolutely murder it. Tonight, I will write another one.

Number one:  Ever make a plan with someone and then suddenly when you try to get into contact, they don't respond. Now, I'm not talking about getting ditched. Totally different scenarios. I'm talking about, "Hey, let's do something on Monday." Then Monday comes around and you're all, "What time you want to meet, bitch?" and then suddenly a few hours pass and you're like, "Fuck this, I'm getting my nails done." It just pisses me off you can't get into contact with this person. And you know this isn't the type of person that's hard to get into contact with. There that person that has the cell phone fused into their fucking skin and you just wonder how the fuck they are not responding. Apparently, I'm on the fucking waiting list. All is right, bro. Get back to me when you can. I'll have an open day waiting and ready for your convenience. NBD.

Which moves me to Number two: I was cruising the Facebook news feed late one night and I saw some dude wrote how he was ditched by his friends and now he knows who is his real friends... I'm sorry, you are a grown ass man. You do not post that shit on Facebook. Sorry, ladies, but man, that is fucking girl thing to do. I hate getting ditched too, but holy fucking shit. Take the tampon out of your vagina and get over it. You're a dude. You have video games to play to replace that "lost" time. You could also go jerk it somewhere, if you are that bored. But don't write on Facebook like a little bitch that you got ditched by your "boyz" and now you know your real friends are! There is a reason why they probably ditched you... Just sayin, man. Don't hate the players, hate yourself.

Thrice: I hate driving. It is the least comfortable thing I like to do on a regular basis. It's about as comfortable as apply Preparation H to your bulging hemorrhoid.... But, that's just me. Anyways, I put on some good millage weekly and I have a great car for that. It also allows me to be very road rageish. Often time, I am driving on a 2 lane highway. The speed limit is roughly 60 MPH which is pitifully slow. Seeing how I have a size 13 shoe, my feet get very heavy on the peddle and I suddenly find my cruise control stuck at 80. I've got place to go, people to see, and lives to ruin. That is a comfortable speed for me to drive at. So when I'm cruising along and I get stuck behind some dumb fuck ass clown just kinda hanging out in the passing lane. I flip my fucking shit. I swear to fucking Christ Almighty himself, I will ram your fucking car off the road. I shit you not. Why can't people just move their ugly asses out of my way? I mean for real. If you you see a car drive at a high rate speed, move the fuck out of the way, once I pass you, you can move back. Holy fucking goat testicles! Not fucking hard man.

Four: I've had a lot of heart break in my life... Not really, but I've made some passes at some hotties with bodies, and well, it proved to be not so successful. I can take a hint when a girl is showing little to know interest with me. In fact, I feel like I can sense it now... But that's not the point. What pisses me off, is when a dumb, crazy, psychotic female, takes an interest in me. Happens all too often. But when I let them down gently that I'm not interested, they don't really get the hint. So then I become a total fucking ass, and well then they get all bitchy at me. I'm sorry, I thought, "I'm not interested" was like a good hint, but that wasn't the case, so I was left with no choice to tell you look like you have a severe case of the downs... It's not my fault. You keep saying stupid shit like, "Snuggle with me. I promise I won't rape you." I mean, right there is alarming for me to hear. And if you were at least a bit attractive, I might let you, but the fact of the matter is, you look like a disfigured hippo and I will not stand for that. No means, no.

Five: People who WRitE LiKE thiS TO shOw ThEiR cReativITY. Not WORking. In fACt it'S MAKinG mE hAVE A fucKINg SeIzUrES. ThANKS foR THAt AssHOle.


SIX: The Occupy Moment. I wrote a blog that voiced my opinion. I feel I said enough about them dirty bums.

Seven:  I have a co-worker. I will not say its name, so I can protect the identity of said person. I will not mention when He is a he or if she is a she or a she/he, he/she and/or she or he or he or she. Whatever combo you want to go with. Anyways, this person is like mildly retarded. I can't stress enough how I work in a shoe store, so I won't. We get boxes of shoes, and I tell said person how I would like them to do the shipment. Spend a few hours in the backroom and just open boxes. Then size them into the back stock. Amazed they were with this idea, they agreed that this would be much easier... Every fucking week, I see shoe boxes in places they should not be in. I hear stories of how said person brings a box out at a time. I make out floor maps every month and still shit is fucked up. I draw pictures and diagrams, photograph, show, and even do half the work, and still shit gets messed up. I need to thank them for this job security, but I can't because I know that Ted William's head could get more shit done than this dumb fuck... The next fuck up, I'm taking old yeller out back to the barn.

Eight: I hate doing group work. I always get stuck having to coordinate everything. I just get stuck in that group that just kind of dicks off. And there's always that cute girl in the group you want to impress with your brilliance but then you find out another group member is fucking her after class... Always heart breaking... (side note: if that actually ever happened, I would kick the shit outta that dude. Who the fuck does that? Totally fucking rude, bro) Anyways, when you're in my group, I have 2 rules: Do your shit and bounce ideas around, I don't care how ridiculous something may sound, but if you bounce the idea around 9 times, it become a brilliant idea. Don't just say, it's a good idea. Doesn't fucking work like that. Bounce that fucking shit around.

Nine: People who looking fucking depressed all the time. Fucking smile, man or go slit you wrist. We don't want your kind around. I'd hire an illegal Mexican before I hire someone who looks fucking depressed all the time.

Ten: Sheryl Fucking Crow!! She pisses me off. Her music pisses me off? How do people like her? She's friends with a communist... She came out about it in one of her songs, bro. Why would you like communists? No, really, why would you like communists?

Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen: Facebook is a great place to connect with people. I post a lot of Facebook statuses. Don't ask me why I do it. It's mainly a lot of random jargon, and sometimes like and impulse. Anyways, when I post something on a hourly basis, and I get notifications of the same fucking person like every other status I put up, I get just get annoyed. And it's always a fucking like. Listen, you don't have to like every single status. I don't need that type of recognition. I don't need to you to like the 14 of the 17 statuses that I have up. Not necessary. Give someone else a chance to like something, because I swear to God, you are scaring any potential "likers" away, you sick, twisted, demented fuck. Don't abuse the like button!! Then there are those type of people who have to write a comment to every single thing you say as if you can relate or they do it because it pertains to them. I don't care!! I can have a long conversation with someone, then there's this one odd ball comment, that I'm trying to figure out why this person had to say something. Then I get into a long thought on why I care about this person. There usually the type of person who will chime in during a hyped up political rant. Suddenly, "I like turtles" pops up. Or sometimes if I'm going off about, say how something pisses me off and then, "Oh, I hope you're not talking about me..." Well I fucking am now! In fact, I'm thinking about running over to your house to throw your computer out the fucking window. Then maybe chop off you shitty, stubby little fingers too. That'll teach you you dumb fuck. How about those people who break out into a conversation like this, "So, I wrote this status on Facebook and..." or "Oh, guess who wrote on their wall?" or "did you see my status?" or "Well, on Facebook..." (Usually the older generation). You, know, I'm on Facebook a lot, so I may have seen it. Please reframe from bringing it up in the social world. I don't need to hear about a status you wrote, I can read it if I want too.When I don't have my computer, I like to be social in a social atmosphere, not insert Facebook every where I can. I'm not that bent on it.






Old Rants

1. I hate when people text you at 3 AM telling you that they can't sleep. I'm sorry, What the fuck do you expect me to do in my half comatose state? Care? Then you text them back trying to attempted sympathy and say, “oh I'm sorry...” Then you wait around for them to respond. But little do you realize, that that simple text saying they couldn't sleep, exhausted them to the point of falling asleep leaving you alone and wide the fuck awake at 3AM. New rule: if your dead or dying, lost, hurt, or any form of disfigurement, wait till the morning. After 12 and until 10am, I don't give a shit.
2. I am going to go off about things on facebook that piss me off... Why? Just cause I can. Duh. Silly goblin. Alright, to all those people I friend request. Will you make a Goddamn decision like someones life fucking depended on it. Let me tell you the concept of a friend request. Now, I want to be your friend. Be fucking honored. Now, I don't give a fat fuck's dick if you accept my request or not. I won't be insulted if you decline it. Just make a fucking decision. I don't want to see you pop up in my news feed and find out that you're still deciding whether you wanna be my friend. When someone request to me my friend (which is rarely) I make a fucking decision in about an hour or two. Right after I do a background check and shit like that. BUT I MAKE A FUCKING DECISION! I don't leave you hanging guessing for a month or two. Holy fucking rice cakes. Make a decision, so my neighbor with a social interaction disorder doesn't flip his shit on me anymore.
3. I remember, back in the day, when MYSPACE was cool. And you knew you were fucking cool when you had like 62,984 friends. Even if like 4 of them, you actually talked to. Now, in today’s apparent “New World Order,” if you have like 500 friends on facebook, we have this complex that, that's too many friend. And we need to get that number as low as possible. Now, I'm slow on thing and I get into fads like 4 months after they've gone and passed. Since when did having too many facebook friend was a bad thing. I mean, if 94% of them you don't talk to, who still cares. I mean, Don't delete me if my posts are annoying or insulting. Just ignore me. It's just insulting knowing that I'm not facebook friend worthy. The on that fateful day we bump into you, there's the fucking awkward feeling and the desire to ask the burning question... "So, hey man, why did you defriend me?" See there's a little X in the corner of my posts, you can hide all my posts and you can totally just forget I exist. Or.... (you'll like this one) Don't accept my goddamn friend request!
4. During my “I'm bored, I need to creep on facebook” moods I've come across some funny things. Like when girls post shit on other girls walls saying, “You're a stupid hoe. Go kill yourself.” or “you're ugly. You have no friends” (even though they have way more facebook friends than the antagonist) “you're a worthless piece of shit...” etc... Now listen, I am friends with people on facebook that I don't like and I'm sure those same people don't like me either. I'm fine with that. Now, I'm not gonna write how I hate them or how they are ugly and should go die. And I haven't gotten any post from them about what an arrogant prick I am either. Why? Cuz we don't give a shit. It's a mutual feeling of not giving a shit towards each other. It's called being fucking civilized. Peace starts at not giving a shit about other people differences.