I Have a Dream

My father has a saying; "Picture yourself in 10 years. Now try to figure out how to get there." So I pictured myself as a filmmaker. I even got as far as picturing myself as the director of the 50th Anniversary James Bond film. I had it planned out too. I even wrote a fucking screenplay. Two drafts actually. Followed by 2 planned sequels to round out a trilogy. It would have been off the wall. I had the whole trilogy planned out in high school. Train chases, car chases, even a fucking show down at an airport. Then Casino Royale took that idea from me... and I got upset... So come next year, I get to see this guy, direct this movie, and fantasize how, "it could have been me!!"

I've changed a bit since then (sort of). I would still like to one day direct a James Bond film, however, I couldn't figure out how to reach that point. I feel like, being able to accomplish that goal, is more like sheer luck. But talk about a rude awakening. And it's a sad feeling when all your dreams are crushed. And it's not like someone told me I couldn't do it. It's perfectly possible to. It's just I couldn't figure out how to get from point A to point B. Then, there was the fear of failure... and the "I Told You So" speech from my Dad.

Today, I still have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. So many damn choices. There's still this school boy crush on becoming a filmmaker, and who's to say that'll never happen, just today it's not going to. Today, I am going to take a few PR classes and some Poli Sci classes and see where that takes me. Maybe, I'll become president, then a filmmaker. I'm allowed to have more than one career and I'm shooting for a minimum of 2 so, president is certainly not entirely out of the question. I'm just going to make sure I dot my T's and cross my I's so I have no baggage come election time. I'd hate for anyone to find one of my bogus racist/ignorant rants on the interweb... Totally an image killer...

Another dream I have is to be the oldest man in the world. Not entirely sure why I want to be that old, but I do. Well, I suppose I don't want to be miserably that old. I want to be a youthful 130 year old. Think about it. How awesome would it be to actually see fly cars? Think about sitting by the fire place telling all your grand kids majestic stories of your younger days while the eat it all up as fact. I'm so gonna alter the shit out of my stories. "Yeah, kids, I remember this one time when I was young, there was this evil president who forged an evil ring and ruled all of Earth with it. Me and a few rebel forged a fellowship called, 'The Rebel Alliance.' No, no, no, we didn't occupy no Wall Street. We were smart about this. We brought the battle to them and battled wits and dueled to our fates. The good side of force obviously prevailed. No big deal. And that's when I fell in love with your beautiful grandmother..." My friend keeps telling me to do things "for the story." Fuck that, I can just life my life vicuriously through you and then make up my own. Ever see the movie Big Fish? No? Check it out.

Now, I feel like I have to end things with a little uplifting statement, just so I can show the world that I am indeed capable of showing a little humility. Positive words of encouragement... That was it... What? You thought I was going to say something like, "never let someone tell you you're dreaming too big, because if you're not dreaming big, you're not dreaming at all" or something like that...? C'mon, fill in the blanks, bro.

The Little Things

I had an ex-girlfriend. Ugly as a mule. There were sins created in the name of her. "Thy shall not be damn ugly." But, damn, she was ugly. But this story is not about her being so damn ugly. In fact this is a tale of a different sort. There was an incident that never happened...and it sort of goes like this...

I had just recently got accepted to Bridgewater State University. I was walking around campus one day, and in the near distant I saw someone who looked familiar. She looked at me as if I was a familiar face. I walked away immediately because I didn't want to face the fear of seeing my ex-girlfriend who I assumed was this person. I got the fuck out of Dodge.

Later that night, I was scoping around the Facebook world and allowing the technology to flow from my fingertips like rapid swirling Maelstrom and ingesting it as such. Suddenly, I received a message on Facebook from her. She had asked me what I was doing on campus. I responded by saying that I was receiving a college education there. She then asked why I was going to that school. Not sure what kind of an answer she was looking for, I decided to spice it up. I told her, "I am yearning to see her again and regain the passionate love we once had. I figured this was my only opportunity to seize what belonged to mine. You are my soul mate and I can never lose you again. I'm like a ravaging pit-bull waiting to be freed and show you my truest form of love." Another message came back to me from her boyfriend, who I have never met in my life. He didn't seem to enjoy my take on romanticism. He informed me that I was to "never talk to his girlfriend again or else he was going to kill me." Like, I've never heard that one before. I was taken aback by this and utterly crushed by my one true love. The ferocious fire of love ran through my veins. I couldn't take this kind of rejection. I had to seek out my vengeance. And the one thing I knew that he and I had in common was the places we've traveled down to. I replied back: "How does my dick taste?"

Around 2 in the morning, my father cam staggering into my room. He shook me awake telling me we were going to police station. I had no idea what was happening. I got up and threw some clothes on and headed out into the world so early in the morning.

When we arrived at the police station, my dad had bumped into one of the tenants whose renting out my old house. They began to talk about the incident that happened. We walked into the police station and into someone’s office to file police reports. Still unbeknownst to me of what is going on, I overhear one of them saying how this guy picked the wrong house to fight 3 Coast Guard personal. I wasn't awake enough to figure out the story, so I left the office and headed to the waiting room for the reports to be filed. When I walked out to the waiting room, there was a girl sitting and waiting. Ugly as a mule. It was the ex-girlfriend.

When my, "how does my dick taste," message was received, the ex-girlfriend how to explain to her troubled boyfriend of our once intimate lifestyle. He was enraged by this that he demanded to know where I lived. She wasn't about to tell him, but after a few blows to the temple with his mighty fists, she gave in. When he arrived at my former house, he kicked the door in and searched me out. He didn't get far after being tackled by the 3 Coast Guard guys that are currently renting my place.

I sat next to this sad little girl in this poorly lit waiting room. She looked up and saw me smiling deviantly at her. Her face turned to disgust. "This is your fault," she claimed.

"I have absolutely no idea what you speak of. In fact, I'm completely stunned seeing you here. What brings you here at this strange hour?”

"Oh, you know, my boyfriend broke into a house and got the shit kicked out of him 3 guys..."

"Well, that is what happens when you break into people’s homes. Listen, sweetheart, he sounds very misplaced in life and I'm not entirely sure he knows where is spiritually. This is going to be very tough for him. Are you even sure this is the type of guy you want to share your children with. Nice black eye, by the way. Did you slip on ice?"

“You set this all up because you want me back.”

“Come again? I don’t want you back. I’d rather have shingles or hemorrhoids. Nowhere in my life plan does it have you reenter my life. I mean, maybe a few one night stands that I’ll regret and probably a pregnancy scare or two, but nowhere do I see you…”

“Well, why else would this happen?”

“Fuck if I know!”

We argued for another 20 minutes before the officer overheard us. He walked in and saw what the ex-girlfriend was going and arrested her for “intimidating a witness.” She kicked and screamed while the officer carried her in the back where all the jail cells were. After sitting around doing nothing, I decided to fill out a restraining order to kill time. It’s the little things in life…

Great White Buffalo

I'm going to be straight forward with you, this blog is about women. I know, I know. I rant about women all the time and I am completely sorry for being redundant. It's just, they're so easy and vulnerable. Listen, I promise this isn't a "I hate women" speech. I mean, after all, regardless of how dumb they may be at times, who else is going to make you dinner and clean up after you? Duh, they're a necessity... And this is why I am single... I fucked up, Mom... Take me in tonight?

I was sitting in a classroom and not paying any worthwhile attention to my professor. The class was Social Problems. I do a lot of thinking in that class. Usually, I think about how to topple a government in a Coup d'état, which girl I would bone, and why the girl with one ear has only one ear... So, I happened to be thinking about which girl in class I would bone and in which order. And then it dawned on me. You can literally throw girls into random groups that will meet your philosophical preference. And I wanted to share to the world how my ignorant, sexists mind categorized women... And I know that one day, this blog will come back to bite me in the left testicle and prevent me from making ignorant, sexists offspring... It might be a warm blessing in disguise too. Who knows... Either way, I'm going to Hell for this blog...

The "Ugly Girl" type: You're fucking heinous looking! This is the type of girl that when you look at her, your sperm count drops to 0. Ugh! Ugly as a mule. I'm sorry, if you look this way. It's not even remotely close to being your fault. It's just terrible genetics. I'm sure you'll find someone one day, who will make you feel like Cinderella, but it's just not me. In fact, I'm not even gonna tap that with a ten foot pole. I'm sorry, my penis has shriveled up and it does not want to come out to play. Actually, I'm going to have a pretty hard time convincing it to come out to play with me now... Thanks for that... 

But her face!!!: "Wow! That girl is fucking banging, man. What a fucking ass she's got. Damn! The things I would do to that." Woman turns around, revealing a not so average face. "Boner, gone. Nope, actually, it still has a bit of some life to it. Meh." Yeah, we've all been there. Yes, I'm saying all, and this reaches out to women. How many lesbians do you think have had that thought? Yes, even the butch looking kinds. This is basically that kind of girl where if you're extremely desperate to push her shit in, there probably wouldn't be much of a problem with that. It's totally odd seeing someone from behind having so much potential and then when you see that face, all hope just goes poof! Now, the situation can play out in different ways. One that I have always feared and have almost fallen into this, goes sort of like this. So there's this girl. She is totally crazy for you and you are showing little to no interest in them. She calls you, texts you, IMs you. Basically, borderline stalker. She even throws out stupid comments that make it way to obvious that she has some serious lady wood for you. Comments like: "Well, I like you... I mean, I would date you... Uhh... I'm so ugly..." That would be awkward...  Anyways, depending on how creepy she is, dive right in you desperate son of gun, you. Just, don't get attached, because that would make holiday dinner really awkward.

I'm not actually sure I have to explain myself here. Basically, if your name is Jessica Jane Clement or have anything that may resemble her, or be a very good fill in, then you fit this category. Oh the things I would do. I would buy her a platter of cookies to see if I could make her fat.

This is probably going to sound extremely corny, but I am going to go there. I can't give a name to this next type of girl, but I sure can describe the hell out of her. This girl is basically, your best friend. She knows you inside and out. You can talk to her about anything. She sometimes acts like to total retard and you begin to question everything when she does this in public. Eventually, you forget about it. Best part, she can be either extremely gorgeous or she could look like she got hit in the face with a brick on a weekly basis. I'm mean that last part is highly unrealistic. The point, I guess is, looks don't really matter. 

From personal experience, I've noticed that this person usually comes and goes. Maybe they move to another world away, or you just lose touch with them entirely. I have valued these people more than anything. They worked very well as eye candy too. I'll be honest, I'm pretty shallow, and the only persons that can fit this role if you have some sort of eye candy quality. Guilty. 

But I think on a serious note though, I will say that, this character doesn't come around too often. There's always going to be an ugly girl, or a butterface, or a fucking bodacious hottie that you want to have crazy sex with. But, that one person who you can always turn to when times are rough or to bring a little sense of serenity to your world, that is something rare. If you ever find them, don't let them go.

p.s.

This Blog is dedicated to Emma Watson. One day we will meet and I will creep the fucking shit out of you.