The Little Things

I had an ex-girlfriend. Ugly as a mule. There were sins created in the name of her. "Thy shall not be damn ugly." But, damn, she was ugly. But this story is not about her being so damn ugly. In fact this is a tale of a different sort. There was an incident that never happened...and it sort of goes like this...

I had just recently got accepted to Bridgewater State University. I was walking around campus one day, and in the near distant I saw someone who looked familiar. She looked at me as if I was a familiar face. I walked away immediately because I didn't want to face the fear of seeing my ex-girlfriend who I assumed was this person. I got the fuck out of Dodge.

Later that night, I was scoping around the Facebook world and allowing the technology to flow from my fingertips like rapid swirling Maelstrom and ingesting it as such. Suddenly, I received a message on Facebook from her. She had asked me what I was doing on campus. I responded by saying that I was receiving a college education there. She then asked why I was going to that school. Not sure what kind of an answer she was looking for, I decided to spice it up. I told her, "I am yearning to see her again and regain the passionate love we once had. I figured this was my only opportunity to seize what belonged to mine. You are my soul mate and I can never lose you again. I'm like a ravaging pit-bull waiting to be freed and show you my truest form of love." Another message came back to me from her boyfriend, who I have never met in my life. He didn't seem to enjoy my take on romanticism. He informed me that I was to "never talk to his girlfriend again or else he was going to kill me." Like, I've never heard that one before. I was taken aback by this and utterly crushed by my one true love. The ferocious fire of love ran through my veins. I couldn't take this kind of rejection. I had to seek out my vengeance. And the one thing I knew that he and I had in common was the places we've traveled down to. I replied back: "How does my dick taste?"

Around 2 in the morning, my father cam staggering into my room. He shook me awake telling me we were going to police station. I had no idea what was happening. I got up and threw some clothes on and headed out into the world so early in the morning.

When we arrived at the police station, my dad had bumped into one of the tenants whose renting out my old house. They began to talk about the incident that happened. We walked into the police station and into someone’s office to file police reports. Still unbeknownst to me of what is going on, I overhear one of them saying how this guy picked the wrong house to fight 3 Coast Guard personal. I wasn't awake enough to figure out the story, so I left the office and headed to the waiting room for the reports to be filed. When I walked out to the waiting room, there was a girl sitting and waiting. Ugly as a mule. It was the ex-girlfriend.

When my, "how does my dick taste," message was received, the ex-girlfriend how to explain to her troubled boyfriend of our once intimate lifestyle. He was enraged by this that he demanded to know where I lived. She wasn't about to tell him, but after a few blows to the temple with his mighty fists, she gave in. When he arrived at my former house, he kicked the door in and searched me out. He didn't get far after being tackled by the 3 Coast Guard guys that are currently renting my place.

I sat next to this sad little girl in this poorly lit waiting room. She looked up and saw me smiling deviantly at her. Her face turned to disgust. "This is your fault," she claimed.

"I have absolutely no idea what you speak of. In fact, I'm completely stunned seeing you here. What brings you here at this strange hour?”

"Oh, you know, my boyfriend broke into a house and got the shit kicked out of him 3 guys..."

"Well, that is what happens when you break into people’s homes. Listen, sweetheart, he sounds very misplaced in life and I'm not entirely sure he knows where is spiritually. This is going to be very tough for him. Are you even sure this is the type of guy you want to share your children with. Nice black eye, by the way. Did you slip on ice?"

“You set this all up because you want me back.”

“Come again? I don’t want you back. I’d rather have shingles or hemorrhoids. Nowhere in my life plan does it have you reenter my life. I mean, maybe a few one night stands that I’ll regret and probably a pregnancy scare or two, but nowhere do I see you…”

“Well, why else would this happen?”

“Fuck if I know!”

We argued for another 20 minutes before the officer overheard us. He walked in and saw what the ex-girlfriend was going and arrested her for “intimidating a witness.” She kicked and screamed while the officer carried her in the back where all the jail cells were. After sitting around doing nothing, I decided to fill out a restraining order to kill time. It’s the little things in life…