I'm going to be straight forward with you, this blog is about women. I know, I know. I rant about women all the time and I am completely sorry for being redundant. It's just, they're so easy and vulnerable. Listen, I promise this isn't a "I hate women" speech. I mean, after all, regardless of how dumb they may be at times, who else is going to make you dinner and clean up after you? Duh, they're a necessity... And this is why I am single... I fucked up, Mom... Take me in tonight?
I was sitting in a classroom and not paying any worthwhile attention to my professor. The class was Social Problems. I do a lot of thinking in that class. Usually, I think about how to topple a government in a Coup d'état, which girl I would bone, and why the girl with one ear has only one ear... So, I happened to be thinking about which girl in class I would bone and in which order. And then it dawned on me. You can literally throw girls into random groups that will meet your philosophical preference. And I wanted to share to the world how my ignorant, sexists mind categorized women... And I know that one day, this blog will come back to bite me in the left testicle and prevent me from making ignorant, sexists offspring... It might be a warm blessing in disguise too. Who knows... Either way, I'm going to Hell for this blog...
The "Ugly Girl" type: You're fucking heinous looking! This is the type of girl that when you look at her, your sperm count drops to 0. Ugh! Ugly as a mule. I'm sorry, if you look this way. It's not even remotely close to being your fault. It's just terrible genetics. I'm sure you'll find someone one day, who will make you feel like Cinderella, but it's just not me. In fact, I'm not even gonna tap that with a ten foot pole. I'm sorry, my penis has shriveled up and it does not want to come out to play. Actually, I'm going to have a pretty hard time convincing it to come out to play with me now... Thanks for that... 
But her face!!!: "Wow! That girl is fucking banging, man. What a fucking ass she's got. Damn! The things I would do to that." Woman turns around, revealing a not so average face. "Boner, gone. Nope, actually, it still has a bit of some life to it. Meh." Yeah, we've all been there. Yes, I'm saying all, and this reaches out to women. How many lesbians do you think have had that thought? Yes, even the butch looking kinds. This is basically that kind of girl where if you're extremely desperate to push her shit in, there probably wouldn't be much of a problem with that. It's totally odd seeing someone from behind having so much potential and then when you see that face, all hope just goes poof! Now, the situation can play out in different ways. One that I have always feared and have almost fallen into this, goes sort of like this. So there's this girl. She is totally crazy for you and you are showing little to no interest in them. She calls you, texts you, IMs you. Basically, borderline stalker. She even throws out stupid comments that make it way to obvious that she has some serious lady wood for you. Comments like: "Well, I like you... I mean, I would date you... Uhh... I'm so ugly..." That would be awkward... Anyways, depending on how creepy she is, dive right in you desperate son of gun, you. Just, don't get attached, because that would make holiday dinner really awkward.
I'm not actually sure I have to explain myself here. Basically, if your name is Jessica Jane Clement or have anything that may resemble her, or be a very good fill in, then you fit this category. Oh the things I would do. I would buy her a platter of cookies to see if I could make her fat.
This is probably going to sound extremely corny, but I am going to go there. I can't give a name to this next type of girl, but I sure can describe the hell out of her. This girl is basically, your best friend. She knows you inside and out. You can talk to her about anything. She sometimes acts like to total retard and you begin to question everything when she does this in public. Eventually, you forget about it. Best part, she can be either extremely gorgeous or she could look like she got hit in the face with a brick on a weekly basis. I'm mean that last part is highly unrealistic. The point, I guess is, looks don't really matter.
From personal experience, I've noticed that this person usually comes and goes. Maybe they move to another world away, or you just lose touch with them entirely. I have valued these people more than anything. They worked very well as eye candy too. I'll be honest, I'm pretty shallow, and the only persons that can fit this role if you have some sort of eye candy quality. Guilty.
But I think on a serious note though, I will say that, this character doesn't come around too often. There's always going to be an ugly girl, or a butterface, or a fucking bodacious hottie that you want to have crazy sex with. But, that one person who you can always turn to when times are rough or to bring a little sense of serenity to your world, that is something rare. If you ever find them, don't let them go.
p.s.
This Blog is dedicated to Emma Watson. One day we will meet and I will creep the fucking shit out of you.
No comments:
Post a Comment