Driving Etiquette

I might have blogged about my frustration with people driving before, or it was just mentioned in a blog in which I ranted about all things wrong with this world including people sucking at driving. But there is a lot in the area the bothers me wholesomely. Personally, I hate it and it doesn't help that there are people out there who just flat out have no talent in driving. Every aspect of driving sucks. It's a shame really. I feel like the world would be a much simpler place if everyone drove like me.

But first, I am going to start with the rules to my car from the outside in. I feel this is necessary, because some people in the past have taken advantage of the system. It will no longer be tolerated in my car.

Stebs Car Rules:
(I know, it's a pretty fucking clever title.)

1. There will ALWAYS be a Co-Pilot.
• Prettiest girl(s) sit in the front seat. 
• Right hand man takes the role of Co-Pilot in the event there are no pretty girls. 
• If right hand man is not present, the role is then filled by the #3 man.
• If, for any reason, I am not able to drive, the right hand man will take control of the vehicle temporarily. If he too is either, unable or not present, #3 man assumes position of the right hand man. If neither are present or able, the next safest driver assumes command. I will then occupy the Co-Pilot's seat.
• If none of the above applies, I care not how it is determined who sits in the front seat. However, I have the right to overturn any bullshit rule I hear in the determining factor.
2. Do not touch my radio. Do not assume control over my radio. If I want to listen to conservative talk radio, WE will listen to conservative talk radio. (I also don't want to hear how Fox News is a biased news channel. I watch Fox News. I know what they are reporting. I do not need your Liberal biased opinion of Fox News.) However, I am always open to suggestions. I don't play around with other person's radios when I am in their car; I expect the same in return.
3. Do not critique my driving. I passed the driving exam for a reason.
• I do not wish to hear what you would do in a certain situation.
• I do not wish to hear which route you would take if you were driving
• If I ask, "Do you want to drive?" It means "shut the fuck up."
• If you respond, you will be asked to leave the car.
• If car is moving, tuck and roll.
• If you object in any way to how I am driving, it will be noted.
4. No vomiting inside or outside the car.
• If vomiting occurs, vomitee will pay for the cleanup, inside and outside.
5. No littering.
• If littering occurs and I am pulled over for it, you will pay the fine.
6. Always wear a seat belt. I don't care who you are, how cool you are, how far down the street we are going, what you do in your car or other person's cars. You are in my car.
• If non-compliant, you will pay the fine if one is given.
7. I will not be pressured into racing another vehicle. If pressure, see video.
8. There will be no mutiny.
• Mutineers will be subject to being kicked out of the car permanently.
9. I am not a chauffeur.
• I will not drive you to another friend's house, when you have no ride. You may make the necessary arrangements with the people you plan to hang out with.
10. Anything goes. Everyone is allowed to be discriminated against (in good taste).
11. There will be no whining, no complaining, no bitching. 
12. If you are asked to vacate the care while moving, tuck and roll.
13. When "hang outs" are being implemented, I will not be offered my services to pick someone up.
14. What I say goes. I have the right to change and make new rules whenever applicable.
15. If these rules cannot be agreed to upon entry of vehicle, call a taxi or walk.

Alright, so the rules are a bit more involved than I originally thought, but that's okay, they are worth it. The following will be the things I have noticed while driving around that aggravate me to the fullest extent of road rage.

The Passing Lane: It is there to pass slow drivers. Now I'm content with people driving their own speed. I respect that. But the passing lane is a very sacred lane. It's there for the impatient motherfuckers that have an extreme amount of road rage, but it's not limited to just those reasons. So, what happens? People just hang out in the passing lane. Sometimes they don't even pass anyone. These shit bags need to learn their place in this world. Like I said, I don't care what speed you prefer to travel, but if I am in your bumper, you might want to go faster. In fact, speed the fuck up and get in the other lane. After I pass you, I don't care what you do. Just get your limp dick out of my way. I've got places to be, people to see, and fucking lives to ruin.

Also, to the motherfuckers who have to immediately jump into the passing lane because you were aggravated with the person in front of them, go fuck yourself. I almost fucking hit you! Go fuck someone else dick.

Motherfucker in a Rush: Now we've all come across that guy that just jumps out into traffic cutting you off and then drives like a geriatric. What fucking purpose does that solve? Are you fucking shit me? Like you were in that much of a fucking rush to get out onto the road, but now that your there, fuck it, I'm just gonna let the wind take me. Yeah, it'll be funny for me when I throw a Molotov Cocktails and pray to our Lord savior Jesus Christ he takes you home... I wish death to your unborn great grandchildren.

Handicap Fuck Head: This really has nothing to do with driving, but I saw some old lady park in a handicap spot today. She also went over the curb and nearly ripped the sign out of the ground, so I find it necessary to say at least this. If you are a handicapped, you shouldn't be driving. Period. If you are perfectly capable of driving, but have a "handicap," go fuck yourself and lose the sign.


Blink...Blink...Blink...Blink...Blink...Blink...Blink...Blink...: Alright! I fucking get it! But your fucking turn is not for another fucking mile up the fucking road! Fuck, man...


That Guy That Has to Take a Turn Slow as Fuck: Just make the fucking turn already. Holy fucking shit!

Wide Turns: Over 100 years of car manufacturing and you think that haven't perfected turning capabilities yet. You don't need to cross into the other lane a little bit in order to make a turn. Just turn the fucking wheel!

Yielding: Doesn't mean stop. It means to be prepared to.

What the Fuck?: I know I am not the most environmentally friendly person around. I've been known to throw a wrapper or two out the window. Mother Earth, forgive me? Thanks, love bug!! You're the best! However, don't throw a fucking cup filled with shit out the window so it can hit someone windshield. Not cool, bro.