Man, has it been a wild few weeks. The End of the World, The Biggest Loser final, American Idol final, House Season final, big sales at work and getting stuck at a bar till 3:30 in the morning... Let me tell you, I thought I had a very uneventful life, but after all these things filled up my life, I feel like I have a sense of purpose now. I feel like I belong...
Let's start off with the lackluster "End of the World" prediction. Someone fucked up. Big. Because, I'm still here. Not that I'm complaining, I'm still here, but because someone would go through the time and effort to convince all these people that the end of the world is near and I have a mathematical equation that proves it... And then succeed with convincing these people. Fortunately for the world, God was a "no show," which I found to be a good thing because I forgot to fulfill my community service requirements this week... The whole thing is obviously bullshit. Listen, I'm Catholic. I believe in God and all that jazz. But I draw the line somewhere when religion becomes an obsession and insanity (By the way, on a side note: I'm pro-choice. Worst. Catholic. Ever.). How the fuck can you actually believe in that shit. I mean, a man predicts the end of the world and nothing happens. Then goes ahead and claims he fucked up on the math. The day finally comes around and then...nothing. There might have been some scheduling conflicts with the end of the world. God was too busy spitting tornadoes out in the Midwest, the world can wait. I mean really? And then have the audacity to say that you fucked up again. Go fuck yourself! Someone should shoot this man in the face so he can meet his maker so he can damn him to Hell. No one knows when the end of the world will be but time itself. The world will end when it wants too and there's nothing you can do to prevent it.
The Biggest Loser and American Idol final... I don't care, to be honest. Not really in the caring business to watching fat people lose weight. In fact, I don't really care much for fat people.
So Wednesday night, my buddy Chris asked if I wanted to go to that favorite bar of mine, Tommy Doyle's. I was reluctant but then agreed to go on another adventure to the bar with him (mainly because he offered to drive). We arrived at said bar and had a blast. It was open mic and my favorite bartender was present. The Bruins were playing (which was Game 6 for those who follow) and the music was playing. And an avid attempt at getting drunk was my goal (Spoiler Alert: I failed to get drunk). 12:30 came crawling around the corner and where I come from, that's last call. I know, awful, but it almost works out for unadventurous people such as myself who get paranoid when staying out that late and that it is past my bed time. So, we try to pay for our tab but my card wouldn't get accepted. Chris was nice and tried his card. I felt good knowing his didn't go through too. Apparently, the system wasn't working right. So they allowed us to do a IOU. We left and headed to the Chrismobile. Upon arriving the car, Chris made a startling and frighting observation. He did not possess his keys... We looked at the trunk of his car where he had retrieved his guitar from hours earlier... I ran back to the bar and hopped that someone had found the keys. Nope. Ran back to the car. Chris called AAA. They arrived. Opened up door. Trunk popped. Keys: MIA. Stare of disapproval. Thankfully, our angel and best bartender there (who looks exactly like the picture) offered to drive us home. So we all agreed that this would be the best course of action to get us home.
1 AM: Standing out back of Tommy Doyle's. We are told "it shouldn't take that long to close up.
1:30 AM: Walk around the back of the bar. We realize we need to pee badly. We find a spot but there's a camera overlooking a graveyard. Bail on idea.
2 AM: Throwing rock into a near by graveyard to kill time. I begin to wonder if the dead people would be annoyed while in their eternal sleep. I begin to think what if the dead rise and the Zombie Apocalypse begins.
2:15 AM: I pretend like I'm a baseball player and begin to take ground balls in the employee parking lot with invisible balls being hit towards me. I play like I'm a Supah Stah.
2:30 AM: Chris is worried about his car. We wonder if we should call someone else.
2:45 AM: Alicia, appears from the fortress of Tommy Doyle's. We are told "it will be 3 minutes." We finally pee in the planned sport
3 AM: We realize it's been a bit longer than 3 minutes.
3:02 AM: Outside light shuts off.
3:05 AM: Hear birds tweeting (not twitter. I checked.)
3:10 AM: See a seagull flying.
3:15 AM: See another seagull flying or it just could have been the same on. Not sure.
3:20 AM: A door opens up. It's a bartender leaving. He says goodbye to us and says Alicia will be our in 3 more hours. We didn't laugh.
3:30 AM: Alicia finally reveals herself from the depths of the bar. We get into he small coup and of course, the big kid (me) gets stuck in the back seat with all her clothes and the fucking guitar. No big deal.
3:45 AM: Arrival at home.
Biggest lesson of my life: Never ever lose your keys or you end up being a bigger joke than this douche bag...
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