Cures for the Common Awkward Moment

Have you ever found yourself in a moment where sometimes you just don't know what to say in a given situation. After years of trying to figure out how to avert these mishaps, I have learned only one thing. Take that awkward moment and meet it head on into battle.

Section A: You know it is inevitable to run into someone you know that you are not really fond of. It happens. Or say you run into someone you know, but you never hang out with them and they are always asking, "Hey! When are we gonna hang out." You know, that guy. So this is how I play it out. I'm walking into a store and you see a dude or a girl you know. This will likely happen with a girl though, because girls have that random urge to just wanna hangout with everyone and then never hanging out with anyone:

Friend you're trying to avoid: Hey!! How are you I haven't seen you in a long time.

Me: Yeah, it's been a while. How you been (to make it seem like you're interested in their life)? 

Friend you're trying to avoid: I've been well and doing a lot of things to stay busy... (blah blah blah) You?

Me: Just hanging around...

Friend you're trying to avoid: That's cool. Hey, we should hang out sometime... (Ugh! WTF do I say?)

I mean, you can tell them, "Oh yeah, we should hang out sometime." Or you can be suddenly super excited

Me: Let's hang out right now! I will personally clear my schedule as we speak and we can do something. Let's escape into the night life... Let's go and be one entity and be free with the world... Et cetera...

They will look at you like you're desperate, but they will decline your sudden enthusiastic approach to wanting to hang out. So when you cross paths again, you will look like the one who made an effort and they're the ones that looks like a total douche for not wanting to hang out with you. Of course, I caution, they may agree to wanting to hang out with you when you first offer spontaneously, so if that happens, Plan B = The Shits. Never. Fails.

Section B: That moment when you are standing in the presence of a girl who is only in a towel. Instinct will tell you; that towel is going to fall. So when this situation occurs, you are left with 2 options. Well, actually there are multiple options, however, 2 should only stick in your mind. 1.) If she is not attractive and/or an ugly site, be polite and look away or 2.) If none of the previous apply, two words: bean dip. It's a solid icebreaker.

Section C: I hate talking to older people. This sort of thing always happens when I meet older people or even when I'm at work in general. And I'm sure this happens with just about anyone. But there you are, talking a buddy or what have you, and the two of you are just shooting shit with each other, sharing war stories, etc... and then you ask about someone. Then the long pause or moment of silence and then, "yeah, they're dead..." What? You ask and they just get really sad/angry and then they're like, "They are dead. As in never fucking coming back!" I don't know if you have ever had that happened to you, before... Anyways...so, say this whole thing roles over something, kinda like that, you just look at them and say, "Listen, I didn't ask if they were still living or not, I asked how they were doing (or whatever you asked about or spawned the sudden outburst)." Or buy them them an annoying dog. A little side story: I remember I was at work one day and a woman came up to me with a return, and I asked if they wanted to look around for something else for an exchange and she say's to me, "I doubt it. These were my husbands and he just died..." So, I responded by saying, "So they weren't the right size...?" I'm pretty certain she was going to stab me with her cell phone.

Section D: So going back to running into people, ever run into someone you have known for a long time, then suddenly one day, they were fat. I mean, not just, "they gained some weight." I mean, someone who was once a size 4 and then one day they look like they ate cow for a snack, followed by a blue whale (just to give them some added width) for dinner and the finally pounded down an elephant seal for dessert. And of course, at this point they obviously know they're a fatty fat fat person and when they see you, they look at you jealously and say, "Look at you! You look great!!" And you look at them and you say... "Look at you... Holy shit, look at you. You look like a beast... I'm sorry. That slipped..." No, really, that's what you should say. I see nothing wrong with it... Icebreaker status: Solid

Section E:  I've often noticed that when people have like a crush on someone they make it totally obvious and awkward for everyone. I know for a fact. I have been that guy before. You know, the guy that'll just stare a girls boob and just grab it and then the girls all, "What the fuck? Why did you grab my boob?" Of course, I'm freaking out because I just did that and I start stuttering (it doesn't help that I stutter when I get nervous) and the only silly excuse I can come up with is, "My bad, there was a fuzz on your left tit..." And for some reason, it always works, because they are less creeped out after. Really? You think I give a shit about a fuzz on your boob? Really? Really?
Anyways, in the event you have a person who is love with you and your feelings are far from mutual, it's okay, there are ways to thwart off any enemy combatants. You could do The Face, but I mean, I have other ways. Like if you close your eyes, it'll all go away... I'm probably terrible about this, but, I just kind of ignore them and let them exhaust themselves out till they realize I'm not budging. I always find humor in it. I dunno why... I'm just a simple flat out, "I like you a lot...[Jenny]" kind of person (But you gotta sound like Forest Gump saying it and you need to throw in a Jenny). Just don't be weird about it. I don't need you foaming at the mouth, then finding out seven days later that was you giving me love and affection. Like, I seriously thought you had mad cow disease. I wasn't sure.

Section F: The moment you find out someone is pregnant. I don't know why, but this always sparks controversy. Which is funny, by the way. It always seems like, said person, has gotten pregnant in like the most awkward moments of life, too. I just graduated from high school and.... I just lost my job and.... My boyfriend just went to jail and... Then for some reason we have to call them sluts. I...I...I dunno. It's a societal thing, I guess. Anyways, for some people it works out alright, for others... not so much. In most cases you can make jokes on how its going to come a black baby or a mexican baby with a spic stache. I dunno, white people think it's funny. Otherwise, when those jokes fail, dead baby jokes don't. Just a pointless/minor warning: people will be offended, otherwise, you can laugh harder knowing its offensive to them.

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more. 

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender!  

Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead!

How do you get a dead baby out of a blender?

Tostitos.

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And I hope none of this helps you because, it wasn't suppose to.