Lifes Little Ironies

I'm going to be doing a few blogs differently. Why? Because even I get bored of just writing what's going on in my life and/or just bitching about it. I mean, you can only complain so much before people just start looking at you like you melodramatically. You'll get the gist of the blog once you read it. It's really not all that exciting. Hopefully, you view it as funny but the end, regardless of how shitty it will sound. Enjoy.

Once upon a time I was a really swell guy. Once upon a time I was in love. Once upon a time was once upon a time and I didn't give two shits about the time. I was a "live by the moment" kinda guy. Well "living by the moment" is a very flawed concept by the way, because you are too busy thinking about the moment, you fail to realize how it fucks up other moments in the future. So, I think ahead and plan accordingly (Which I highly recommend).

***NOTE***: Play the video, while reading.

• I remember one time, I was cuddling up with an ex-girlfriend of mine. She had stopped by my house one day and we decided to get snugly.  We were watching a movie. We laughed. We cried. It was indeed an emotional roller coaster ride (we didn't really cry and if we did it was because of how funny the movie was). By days end, we just kinda laid around talking. She whispered in my ear, "I don't want you to ever leave me..." About 2 weeks later we broke up because she had cheated on me... Bitches...
• I had invited this girl I liked to a party my friend was having. We had a fantastic time. We was drinking and we was smokin... smokin candy cigarettes. By nights end, she had drank way too much and decided to throw up basically everywhere. I played babysitter all night making sure the little toaster strudel was safe and not choking on her vomit. She repaid by inviting me over her house for a little get together the following week. By that nights end, she was banging her other friend in the next room... Bitches...
• Once a time upon ago (yup), I met a delightful young lady on the interweb. She was adorable. The things I would do to her were illegal in 37 states and 1 US Territory. We talked on the phone late into the evening. But one night, she had a confession, she was a very sad girl. She was also not who she said she was. Turns out she was an ugly, rancid whore. Listen, that one was on me too. I fucked up. But still... Bitches...
• Late one summer night, I was home watching T.V. My cellphone was ringing. I looked at it and it was a girl that I liked, calling. I smiled and, well, I ignored the call. I was watching a really cool show and didn't want to be interrupted from it. A minute or so later my phone rang again and it was this girl calling again. Yup, she wants my nuts, I thought. I answered the phone and on the receiving end was an angel in tears. The details are a bit fuzzy as to why she was crying, but ya know, boys will be boys and break little angel's hearts. I stayed on the phone all that night till we both fell asleep. She thanked me for my charismatic charm that next school year by never talking to me again. It's been 6 years and I still occasionally throw out a FB friend request and get denied every time... Bitches...
• One Valentine's Day, I asked a girl if she wanted to go to breakfast with me. She excited by the idea and agreed to go. She had nothing planned that day. I took her to breakfast and after that we went to her house to hang out. Her parents were incredibly nice and invited me to join all of them for dinner at some fancy restaurant. The girl answered for me and declined. Apparently, we had our own plans. She wanted to leave her house, so we did. by the time I drove out of her neighborhood, her phone rang. She picked it up and talked to the other person. When she hung up she looked at me and says, "Can you drive me back to my house. My boyfriend is picking me up..." I apparently, didn't get the memo that they were dating that week... Bitches...
• I went to a bar one night with a friend. He was driving and I was drinking. After a fantastic night, I asked for my tab. I got my bill expecting it to be high. Well, to my surprise it wasn't that high at all. I thought to myself, well what the hell, I'll just tip 100% and then be at the max I wanted to spend. At least that sounded logical in my drunken state of mind. Anyways, a few weeks later the bartender repaid us by driving me and my friend home at 3 AM after he had lost his keys. I can never thank that angel enough.

The moral of this story: Always tip your bartender very well. You never know when it'll do you justice.